BTVS: Not What You Think It Is
by skweekurz
Summary: This is basically the episodes of BTVS, all messed up for your enjoyment. Credit goes to my older brother, for helping me and also for coming up with Skweekurz, the 'buffy the vampire slayer' slayer. It's so friggin' confusing.


**Episode One**

**Welcome to the Hellmouth**

The streets were dark and quiet. Not a thing among them moved, except for the occasional cricket chirp. Some freaky, creepy music began playing as the camera shifted from the entrance to Sunnydale High to the front of the library and a trophy case. It then moved to a hallway and entered a deserted lab room. The moonlight cast eerie shadows over the desks and the floor, and made the model skeletons look like menacing animals.

Suddenly there was a loud _crash_ as a fist punched its way in through the window. It was promptly followed by a loud "Dammit!" and a hiss of agony.

"You could have just thrown a rock at it or something…" A blond girl, perhaps in her late teens, rolled her eyes in dismay as the boy who had punched the glass stroked his bleeding knuckles. "And why the hell are the alarms not going off?"

"It's the nineties, toots," the boy remarked, wiping the blood from his hand onto his jeans. He made a face at the stain it made. "Besides, this is essential to the plot, so we can't have common sense involved." He cleared away the glass, brushing it onto the floor of the classroom, and crawled in.

"Are you sure that this is a good idea?" the girl asked timidly, looking around at the disarray.

"It's a _great_ idea," he emphasized. "Come on." He took her hand and helped her to crawl in through the broken window, accidentally causing her to cut her legs on the shattered glass. The girl took the time to take in her surroundings, noting the half dissected frogs and the pungent odor of mouse droppings, and then raised an eyebrow.

"_This_ was the place you wanted to take me on our first date? You know, _sane_ guys would just take a girl to Dairy Queen or something—"

"Shut up!" the boy snapped. "I mean, uh, shh! Someone might hear us." They headed out of the classroom and into the darkened hallway on tiptoe, even though their shoes were squeaking louder than the Woodstock concert.

"Do you go to school here?" the girl inquired, glancing at the trophy case. "Even though you're, like, twenty years old, and clearly a drug addict?"

"I used to," the boy admitted. "For only a couple of years, though. But this school really sucks, since there's only one hallway in the entire place. Seriously." He turned to face the camera. "If you purchase Season One of Buffy on DVD and watch the making of the show, you'll see that—"

"Okay, there's no need to launch into a lecture about the making of the show," the girl pointed out. "All the audience does is watch it, mmkay?"

Sighing, the boy took her hand. "Come on, I've got a great make out spot; the top of the gym is so cool. I used to skip class and sneak up there to smoke weed." He sighed. "That's probably why they kicked me out in the first place."

"I see." The girl was far more interested in the cockroach crawling on the ground than the boy's history.

"Anyway, that's beside the point." He led her to the door that led to the roof. "You can see the whole town from up there."

"This town must not be very big, then," the girl muttered. The boy started to pull her toward the door, but she hesitated. "Wait, wait! I've changed my mind."

"Wha…? Come on! I didn't take offense to that small town remark!" the boy protested.

"I mean I don't want to go up there," the girl stated, narrowing her eyes at him. He grinned wickedly.

"Oh, you can't wait, huh?" The boy gathered her in his arms, pulling her closer to him, trying to kiss her.

"No, actually. I'm just deathly afraid of heights," the girl remarked, looking at him curiously. The boy stopped, confused, inches away from her mouth.

"Oh… that's all?"

The girl frowned. "Besides, we're just gonna get into trouble."

"Isn't that the whole point?" the boy asked, releasing her.

"Well… but… yeah. Yeah, I guess it is, but still!" The girl sighed. "Ah, screw it – Kiss me!" She moved into the boy's arms again, and he eagerly took advantage of the situation by securing her to his chest. She let out a cough, signaling that she couldn't breath, and he loosened his grip. They were about to get their mojo working full time when the girl let out a sharp cry, pulling away. "Eeek! What was that?!"

"Oh, that's just my cell phone." The boy waved it in the air, the electronic device buzzing faintly. "I set it on 'vibrate'. Do you like it?"

"I heard a NOISE, perv!" the girl snapped.

The boy laughed at the source of her alarm. "It's nothing, okay? We're the only ones here! Besides, I already knocked out the guards earlier tonight so that we could get in. I am NOT going to jail because of a break-and-enter!"

"Idiot," the girl replied, shaking her head. "Have you ever considered that the noise might be coming from something that isn't HUMAN? Even a _toddler_ could figure _that_ out!"

"Hey, I thought you were supposed to be my _girlfriend!"_ the boy hissed, hurt. "Oh. Wait. What did you just say?" Suddenly realization dawned on his face. "Oh, bleep!Hide!" He dove into a nearby trashcan, trembling with fear.

"I can't believe I agreed to go out with you…" the girl sighed.

The boy came out of his hiding place a few seconds later, remembering that in order to keep his hot girlfriend, he had to act manly and not like a wuss. "Must… be… strong… Grr!" He put on his game face, and then said in a deep voice, "Well, I'm sure it's nothing, even though something dramatic always happens in the opening scene of a popular TV show." He looked down the hallway, trying desperately not to run. "Helloooo? Anybody home?" There was no answer except for crickets chirping. The boy let out a sigh of relief, and then said to her, "See? There's nobody here."

"Yeah, like they'd really answer if they were here…" the girl muttered. "I mean, are you sure?" She walked out in front of him, looking down the hallway at the doors suspiciously.

The boy groaned. "_Gawd,_ girl! You are so paranoid! Forget about the damn noise already; now can we make out?" He looked at her impatiently.

"Okay." Suddenly she whirled around, and the boy let out a strangled cry. Her eyes had turned golden yellow, and her face had morphed into some kind of demon face. "Psych, bitch! Mwahaha!" She pounced on him, sinking her fangs (I didn't mention that? Yeah, she has fangs) into the boy's neck. He struggled briefly, and then went limp as he died.

"Mmm…" The girl licked her lips. "O positive. Tastes like chicken. Original recipe."

-The Next Day, Elsewhere in Sunnydale-

Buffy Summers, a young, attractive teenager, lay sleeping in her bed, tossing and turning. She was clearly having a bad dream of some kind…

She was caught in a scene of the movie "Dude, Where's My Car?", and she was clearly _not_ enjoying it.

"Dude, where's my car?" Ashton yelped, shocked that his ride was not present.

"Get out of here!" Buffy snapped. "Why is it that I always dream about _bad_ things? First the version of 'Romeo and Juliet' with Leonardo DiCaprio, and now this? My life sucks!" Her dream immediately shifted from the dumb movie to several incoherent flashes of a dark cavern, stakes, crosses, and a bunch of other things that didn't make sense unless you had already known about the story's plot. "I have a feeling that these images reflect a part of my future…" Buffy said to herself. "As in, I'll be having some major déjà vu later on today." Suddenly an image of a demon face with a red mouth and a bald head shot into her gaze. "Agh! What the f-!" Luckily for her, the shock of seeing such a monstrosity caused her to awaken suddenly, therefore censoring her swear. Unluckily, she sat up so quickly that she hit her head on the low, slanted ceiling of her room.

"Ow! Damn ceiling! Why'd my mom have to put my bed right under the freakin' slant!" Buffy growled. She rubbed the bruise on her skull and looked around at the boxes surrounding her bead. They were full of random items, including pillows, books, stuffed animals, a vibrator—

"That is NOT mine, I swear!" Buffy spluttered, and quickly removed the sex toy and chucked it out the window (where it hit an unsuspecting bystander in the head, who was immediately rushed to the hospital, not for a head injury, but for the possibility of HIV contraction).

"Buffy!" A voice floated up from downstairs and into the teenager's ears. "Wake up already! It's after seven! If you don't hurry up, you won't have time to take a shower, and _trust_ me, you need one!"

"Isn't she concerned at all about my first day at a new school?" Buffy muttered grimly, and started to get dressed.

-At Sunnydale High School-

It was a typical morning rush at Sunnydale High. Kids were walking off to class, getting off of buses, strolling with their girlfriends/boyfriends, or just hanging out. Buffy's mother drove up to the front of the school and stopped to let her daughter out.

"Okay, Buffy, this is it," Mrs. Summers said, trying too hard to sound eager for her daughter's first day of school. "I know you're going to make friends right away, so just think positive." She grinned at Buffy cheesily and flashed thumbs up.

Buffy frowned. "Just because I'm blond doesn't mean I'm dumb."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Mrs. Summers said with a sigh. "I just thought I'd give it a try."

"Right," Buffy said. "Well, see you later then. I'm gonna go out clubbing tonight, so don't wait up for me."

"What's that?" Mrs. Summers asked.

"Um, nothing, Mom."

"Oh, and one more thing, Buffy," Mrs. Summers called as her daughter started to head away. "Try not to get kicked out of this school, okay? It's already bad enough that people think you're a pyromaniac, but it cost me a _fortune_ to try to get them to let you come here, so don't mess it up. Otherwise…" Mrs. Summers left her sentence unfinished, her eyes glinting red.

Buffy got the message. "All right. I'll _try_ not to get kicked out." She watched as her mother drove away. "After all, 'doing' isn't 'trying'."

Several buses pulled up to the front of the school, letting kids out. They were all short buses, Buffy noted, and then saw some kid doing a weird rain dance ritual in his underpants. She shrugged. Most of the kids were making out with their girlfriends, or they were talking to their homies. Some were studying for tests or doing homework that they hadn't finished the night before. One kid, in particular, was finding amusement in skateboarding.

"Ex-_squeeze_ me! Pardon me! Outta mah way!" the boy, who we'll call Xander Harris, skated through the crowds of people, many of which were flipping him the bird. He paid them no mind as he moved through them expertly, also doing some pretty nifty tricks. Of course, it wouldn't be a skateboarding scene without some kind of accident, so…

_Crash!_

"Ow! My nuts! I think I've just been sterilized!" Xander yelped in pain, writhing on the ground. He had skateboarded right into the handrails, bruising his privates. Buffy, who had been walking near him at the time, paused to look down at him, and then walked up the stairs and into the school. Xander's horny senses noticed her right away. _"Yow-_za! Who was _that_ hot momma?" He looked at Buffy's figure and began drooling.

"Wake up, pervert," another voice interrupted. Xander wiped his mouth and looked up at the person in front of him. It was a pretty redhead girl, dressed in a schoolgirl outfit, a slightly amused look on her pretty face. Xander brightened instantly.

"Willow! You are so much the very person I wanted to see!" he exclaimed, standing up and giving her a hug. Willow blushed, happiness on her face.

"Oh, really? Xander, I don't believe it! You mean you're asking me o—"

"—to give me all of the answers from last night's geometry!" Xander finished, not even paying attention to Willow's suggestion. She instantly wilted (literally), but forced a smile to her face. Xander put his arm around her shoulders and said in a pleading voice, "You see, last night, I had trouble, er, concentrating on the homework… plus I was really busy, you know, and…"

"You went to the strip club again, didn't you?" Willow asked, a look of understanding on her face.

"Yes. Yes I did." Xander sighed. There was no fooling his best friend. "Anyway, I was wondering if later you could help me with the math, and be my study buddy. Pwease?" His eyes sparkled.

"Okay," Willow agreed, settling for being able to be near her best friend/crush. "Which part do you need help with? The equations or the variables?"

Xander stared at her, a blank look on his face. "Er, the little letters and numbers," Willow said, dumbing it down for him. Xander's face lit up.

"Yeah, that part!" he exclaimed. "So you'll help me?"

Willow grinned as they headed toward the school. "What's in it for me?"

"A shiny nickel?" Xander asked, holding up a nickel encrusted with (insert your choice of nastiness here). Willow's face darkened, and she scowled.

"Are you freakin' _kidding?_ No way in hell am I going to help you if all you pay me is five friggin' cents! What kind of cheap ass _are_ you?!" Willow snarled, causing everyone around her to pull away, terrified at her sudden burst of violence.

Xander gulped. "Okay, okay! I was just kidding! Look, here—" He whipped out his checkbook, scrawled a message on it, tore it out, and then handed it to Willow. "There's five million bucks, now will you help me?"

"_Sold!"_ Willow cheered, snatching the check away greedily. Then she said in a no-nonsense tone, "Okay, so you're gonna need Geometry for Enjoyment and Challenge. You should check it out."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Xander backed away from Willow, his hands held in a defensive gesture. "I don't sway that way, thank you very much!"

"It's a _book,_ dumbass," Willow said having just about enough with Xander's stupidity. "And you check it out from the library, where the books live." She made a face. "Ew… if books live, then I don't wanna know how they feel when people touch them and flip through their pages." Just then, another boy came jogging up to them, his lanky body moving erratically.

"Hey, Jesse!" Xander exclaimed, and slapped fists with the boy. "Wassup, dawg?"

"Not much goin' on here in the hood, brutha," Jesse admitted. After their little gangsta moment, Jesse took the time to point out the new girl, Buffy Summers. "Did you hear about the new girl?"

"Did I _hear_ about her?" Xander asked, appalled. "Dude, I've set my mother-flippin' eyes on her! She's got a smokin' hot bod, great legs, and plus I think she might be the girl I met this one time at band camp… I can already tell that she's my soul mate!"

"I heard someone was getting transferred," Willow replied, trying to stick to the script.

Xander turned back to Jesse. "So, what's the sitch? What do we know about her?"

Jesse thought for a moment, and then replied. "New girl."

"Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious," Xander muttered. "I meant, do we know anything else?"

"About what?"

"Oh, forget it."

-Back With Buffy-

Buffy was in the principal's office, anticipating the lecture that all new students got. She sighed and glanced at her watch. This couldn't take more than a few minutes, right?

Just then the door burst open and a large man (Principal Flutie) came in, barely able to squeeze himself through the doorway, which was about only three feet wide to his body's five. Buffy was just about to ask if he needed help when he finally managed to get into his office (with a little help from some axle grease), rolling over his boom box in the process. Standing up, Flutie brushed himself off, slightly embarrassed, and then went over to his desk and squeezed into his chair. It looked like he had succeeded when a sudden loud _snap!_ was heard, and he fell to the floor, the chair breaking into over one thousand pieces.

Buffy coughed lightly. Finally Flutie got back up, and, pulling a spare steel chair out from underneath his desk, he sat down, cleared his throat, and then began reading aloud from her files. "Buffy Summers, sophomore, late of Hemery High in Los Angeles…" Principal Flutie paused, and then glanced back up at Buffy, who stared at him expectantly. He cleared his throat again.

"Well, uh, you have a questionable record, and a troubled history, and… aww, screw it." He grabbed Buffy's records and tore them up into little pieces, causing her to jerk in surprise. When he was done, he tossed the paper into the fireplace in his office, and then once the paper had burned into ashes, he threw the ashes outside into an already-dug hole and kicked some dirt over it. Buffy just watched in astonishment as all of this took place. Once Principal Flutie was done, he turned and smiled at Buffy.

"Welcome to Sunnydale High School. A clean slate is what you get here, Buffy. We don't really care who you are or where you came from, partly because we really don't wanna know. Also, it's in our contract that we have to let you attend school here." He flashed a cheesy smile.

"Um… okay," Buffy said, looking happier. "So even if I did burn down the gymnasium at my old school, it doesn't matter? I get let off easy?"

"Yes, of course you d— Wait, you WHAT!" Principal Flutie yelped. He grabbed the phone and dialed the office number. "Yes, hello? Print out another copy of Buffy Summers' record. Yes, thank you." A few moments later, the secretary came in and handed P. Flutie another copy, and he snatched it out of her hand. He read it over, and then looked at Buffy with a frown.

"I cannot BELIEVE this! You burned down the GYM?! What the hell's WRONG with you, girl?!" P. Flutie roared, trying to make himself sound like a malicious, intimidating principal. However, he had just been getting over a cold that week, so his voice was nasal and whiney sounding, which ruined the effect.

Clearing her throat, Buffy tried to explain, "You see, I had a perfectly good reason for burning that gym down. You're just not seeing the big picture."

"Oh, I'm seeing the big picture, alright…" P. Flutie was mesmerized by a giant painting of a puppy that had magically appeared on the wall of his office. "Oh. Wait. You mean about your burning the gym?"

"Yeah. I mean, just _look_ at the design!" She gestured to the blueprint of the building that she had hidden on her person. "It's horrendous! The colors _totally _clash! Whoever thought of combining orange with purple is completely _clueless! _ Also, that gym was full of vamp- I mean asbestos."

"Hmm? Vampimeanasbestos (try saying that five times fast)? What's that?" P. Flutie asked. Buffy cleared her throat and shook her head. He shrugged and stuck the papers into her folder. "Buffy, at any other school, they might tell you to watch out and not to cry or pout, because Santa Claus is coming, and he's checking his list twice." P. Flutie smiled again. "That's not our way, though. Here, we expel you on the spot if your record says smack about you, soooo I guess you've just been kicked out of another school. Now get out of my office." P. Flutie finished his little speech with a low, nasally _Mwahaha!_

"You son of a—" Buffy snarled, leaping to her feet to decapitate him. He instantly cowered and covered his head with his hands, shaking.

"Kidding! Kidding!" he whimpered. "Please don't kill me!"

"Grr… fine," Buffy growled, disappointed, and then marched out of the office, leaving Flutie to tremble with fear.

-Outside the Office-

Buffy walked out of the dreary office, her mind completely elsewhere. She started to walk down the hallway in a daze when—

_Wham!_

"HEY! Watch where you're going, mother_bleeper!"_ Buffy yelled as her bag flew open, the contents spilling out. Of course, Xander happened to be walking by at that moment, and he decided to take advantage by helping the new girl out.

Running over to help her, Xander quickly scooped up some of Buffy's books and handed them to her. "Hey! Can I have you?" he asked.

"… You did _NOT_ just say that," Buffy said acidly, her eyes narrowed warningly. Xander gulped.

"I mean, uh, can I _help_ you?" he corrected himself.

"Much better." Xander and Buffy began to pick up Buffy's things. Xander whistled at all of the stuff she had: notebooks, textbooks, makeup, Playboy magazines…

"Those aren't mine!" Buffy snapped, snatching them away before Xander could lose his purity. He pouted, sticking his tongue out at her. "I'm Buffy," she introduced herself.

"Xander," Xander replied. "Is me. Well, uh, I'm Xander… I think…" He thought about this for a moment, and then shook his head. "Yeah, I'm Xander."

"Nice to meet you," Buffy said, giving him a smile. Xander smiled back. Aww, it was so cute. Maybe they'd even end up – "Hey! You just touched my butt!"

_SMACK!_

"Ow! Geez, girl! I was trying to be friendly!" Xander howled, nursing his injured cheek, which now had a large hand-shaped bruise on it. _Damn._ This girl could pack a punch. "We can still be friends, though, right?"

"Yeah, in your dreams," Buffy growled, and then walked away, trying to get away from her infatuated visitor as fast as she could.

Xander grinned dreamily at her. "Oh yeah. She totally digs me." He laughed stupidly, and then glanced back at the ground, and saw something that Buffy had dropped. Frowning slightly, he bent over and picked it up, examining it. It appeared to be a stake of some kind, a simple piece of wood sharpened to a perfect point. Xander pondered for a minute; should he return Buffy's possession to her, which she might thank him for? Or should he keep it so that he could work voodoo tricks to make her love him back?

Smirking wickedly, Xander tucked the stake into his backpack and walked off to class.

-In a Classroom-

Later that day, an elderly teacher was writing on a chalkboard, her shaky hand moving painfully slow as she staggered through the words. And of _course_ the chalk had to squeak and squeal as she wrote, causing everyone in the room to writhe in agony.

"God, I should burn _her_ to a crisp…" Buffy thought, clutching her ears. Once the teacher had stopped writing (about half of the class had gone by now), almost everyone had either fallen asleep or had started texting each other on their huge cell phones. Buffy suddenly became aware that someone was nudging her.

"Hey, psst."

"Wha, what…?" Buffy asked, having completely spaced out. She turned and saw a dark-haired girl next to her handing her a magazine with a picture of Johnny Depp on the cover. "Hot DAMN!" she exclaimed aloud, since the teacher was so deaf and therefore couldn't hear her. "And it's from _Pirates of the Caribbean,_ too! He was so effing COOL in that movie, even though it won't come out until after we're finished with high school! I _LOVE_ Jack Sparrow!"

"I know, right?" the girl squealed excitedly. "I'm gonna marry him one day, just watch!" Just then, the bell rang, and the teacher waved to all of the kids like an autistic patient, smiling and waving. The dark-haired girl held her hand out to Buffy, smiling. "Hi! I'm Cordelia Chase."

"I'm Buffy," Buffy said pleasantly, and Cordelia smirked.

"Buffy? As in 'buff'? You sure don't look all that buff," she scoffed. Buffy scowled.

"Oh, you wanna make something of this? Come ON! Let's have it out, right here, right now!" she snapped, flexing, and _holy eff!_ Her muscles bulged out of her arms, looking practically like Hulk Hogan's. Cordelia swallowed hard, and then smiled again.

"I mean, uh, great biceps!" She and Buffy walked out of the classroom. "You know, I bet you can find some great fitness magazines in the library; they'd have great ideas on how you can use those babies of yours to beat up other kids! You should check it out."

"Great, the library," Buffy said, and then made a face. "Is that the place with all the books?"

Cordelia pursed her lips. "Yes. Yes it is. I'll take you there, come on." She led Buffy down the hallway, making sure to give several of the football guys a wink and a call me! gesture. "So you're from Hemorrhoid—er, Hemery, right? LA?"

"Yeah, that's right," Buffy said, keeping an eye out for Xander in case he tried to come after her again.

"I would totally _kill_ to live in LA," Cordelia said. Just then they passed by several dead bodies, where there was police tape surrounding the area and several newscasters reporting the obscenity. Cordelia coughed and then they headed down another hall. "So, anyway, I'm sure you'll fit right in… if you hang out with me, that is."

"Uh… okay," Buffy agreed, not sure of what to think of that.

"There's just one thing," Cordelia added. "You need to test your coolness by taking the Coolness Test. If you pass, then you're automatically cool, and all the guys will immediately want to go out with you. Are you ready?"

"Sure," Buffy replied.

"Okay, first question," Cordelia paused dramatically, and then whispered, "Your opinion on… body piercings?"

"Uh…" Buffy pondered. She thought about her pierced naval, ears, eyebrows, lip, tongue, urethra… "Over?"

"SO over," Cordelia emphasized, and then they turned down another hallway. "Cappuccinos?"

"Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm… toasty," Buffy grinned, and Cordelia frowned.

"I said 'cappuccinos', not 'Quizno's'."

"Oh," Buffy realized. "Trendy, but FABULOUS."

"Okay then…" Cordelia said, her voice dropping to a deep tone. "What is… your favorite color? Thirty seconds, and good luck!"

Suddenly the lights dimmed, and everyone around Buffy and Cordelia began humming the Final Jeopardy theme music, along with a lot of clock ticking. Buffy glanced around nervously, and then finally said in a question, "Um… purple?"

"Ding, ding, ding!" Cordelia yelled, and then gave Buffy a huge bear hug. "You pass! Congratulations! You win a new car!"

"Really?" Buffy asked, enlightened.

"Nope, I'm just messin' with ya."

"You bitch!"

"Willow!" Cordelia had just noticed the red-haired girl, who was drinking out of the water fountain. "I just _love _your outfit – it just screams 'I'm not really a virgin, but I'm trying to look innocent anyway'! And by the way, you do realize that the water you were drinking has been poisoned with E. coli, right?"

Willow began coughing and hacking, trying to get all the water out of her system.

"I'm just kidding," Cordelia said, patting the other girl on the back. Buffy couldn't help but feel sorry for her. "Sorry if I had you going there."

"Yeah, you did!" Willow said, trying to catch her breath. "You're a real joker, Cordelia – you should've replaced Heath Ledger in 'Batman'!"

Cordelia glowered at Willow, her previous amiability having vanished. "I'll take that as a compliment; now leave before I punch you in the face." Willow's boldness withered, and she crept away, wincing at Cordelia's murderous expression. Cordelia turned back to face Buffy, who was watching Willow with a sympathetic look on her face. "See? Once you know your losers, they're a lot easier to avoid. But you have to be careful, because sometimes a loser might be a _cute_ loser. Take you, for example."

"WHAT?" Buffy yelped, ready to decapitate Cordelia.

"Anyway," Cordelia said, oblivious to Buffy's anger, "you should come by the Bronze later tonight. It's where all the hookers and gang bangers hang out. It's in the bad part of town."

"Where is that?" Buffy asked, still pissed.

Cordelia shrugged. "Oh, about a block away from the good part of town. There's a big neon sign that says 'Bad Part of Town' on it. You'll find it." They stopped outside of the library, and Cordelia smiled at Buffy again. "So, I'll see you later then?"

"Sure," Buffy said, and Cordelia headed off to her next class. Buffy snarled to herself, "She is so gonna get it. Right in the _face."_ Turning to face the library, Buffy pushed the doors open, and headed on in.

It wasn't unlike the library at her old school. Obviously, it was crammed full of books, and there were a couple of tables in the center. There was a pungent odor of must and coffee, and about two inches of dust covered the bookshelves. It looked as though the place hadn't been visited anytime within the era. "Hello?" Buffy called, looking around for the librarian, who was currently not present. "Is anybody here?" Seeing nobody emerge, she started to walk out when she noticed some newspapers on the front counter. Frowning, Buffy bent over and glanced at them more closely, and saw that one headline was circled in red: "LOCAL BOYS STILL MISSING. WHOEVER FINDS THEM GETS A REWARD OF SIX MILLION DOLLARS."

Suddenly Buffy felt something touch her bottom. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" she shrieked at the top of her voice, and whirled around and punched the person in the face with as much force as she could muster.

"Ow! What the bloody hell was that for!?" the man yelped (and guess what? He's British!), reeling from the force of the punch. Buffy felt a little guilty for hitting him, but then remembered that he had grabbed her butt, and scowled. The man collected himself and then cleared his throat, and put a suggestive smile on his face. "Can I help you?"

"Not in _that_ way, you can't," Buffy muttered, and the smile vanished. "Um, I was looking for some, well, books… you see, I'm new here, and I—"

"Ms. Summers?" the man asked, startled.

Taken aback, Buffy replied, "Uh, yeah… guess I'm the only new kid, huh?"

"I was told you were _coming_," the man said, a dreamy look on his face. "You're even prettier than I imagined."

"Okay, seriously – are you hungry? Because you've got a knuckle sandwich coming to you," Buffy warned.

Coughing, the man corrected himself. "Uh, I mean, I'm Mr. Giles… the librarian." He went around the counter and crouched behind the desk.

Buffy cleared her throat. "Okay… so I'm gonna need some books on–"

"I know _exactly _what you're looking for," Giles said, and then pulled out from behind the counter… a Playboy magazine?

"Uh…" Buffy said, a little weirded out.

Giles flushed. "Oops. Wrong one." He ducked behind the counter again. "Aha! Here we go!" He pulled out a thick, musty volume entitled 'Vampyr'.

This time Buffy drew away, almost as if the book were covered in blood. "That's not what I'm looking for."

"Are you sure?" Giles asked. "I could've sworn that the Council told me that you were a S –"

"Shh! The audience isn't supposed to know that yet!" Buffy hissed. Then she got back into character, and said in a low voice, "I'm _way_ sure. Besides, whoever wrote that book spelled 'vampire' wrong."

Giles deflated. "Oh. My mistake then." He ducked behind the counter once more. Buffy took that time to run out of the library as fast as she could before Giles could notice that she was missing, smashing her .01 second record. Giles stood up. "What is it that you're looking – oh. She left." Giles frowned. "And she seemed like _such_ a nice girl… I wonder what her phone number is…"

-In the Locker Room-

Meanwhile, in the girls' locker room, several… well, girls, were talking to each other, exchanging gossip as they changed for gym.

"– and so I told that slut to stay away from mah man, otherwise I'd mess her up!" One girl said, bobbing her head and swaying like a gangsta. "She ain't gonna get away with this, nuh-_uh!"_

"Uh, what about the new girl?" another girl asked, trying to stick to the plot as much as possible.

"Her? Oh, who gives a crap about her?" a third girl stated. "Besides, what kind of name is _Buffy?_ She's not even that buff, anyway." She then dropped her voice. "Didn't you hear about her old school?"

"No, what about it?" the second girl asked, sitting down on the bench.

"She got kicked out, so her mom had to move up here," the other girl replied. "But that's not the point. She lived in _LA,_ for heaven's sake! And her school was right near the biggest mall in the whole state! Also, at her school there were guys with ENORMOUS pe – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" she suddenly shrieked as her locker swung open and a dead guy fell out, landing on top of her. She screamed hysterically, and ran around in little circles, waving her arms around. The girl that had first spoken saw him, and gasped.

"Oh, that is IT! That skanky bitch is _so_ gonna get it!"

-Lunchtime! Let's Go Back With Willow-

Willow Rosenburg (the redhead, remember?) sat alone, the breeze gently lifting her auburn hair. She daintily pulled a brown paper bag out from her backpack, and opened it, pulling out her lunch – a single sandwich. It was such a gentle, feminine scene… so calm, so graceful…

SMACK!

"HEY!" Willow yelled as a football made contact with her head. She sprang to her feet, her fists clenched. "Watch where you're throwing that! If you hit me again, I'm gonna kick your asses!"

"Hi!" Buffy popped up out of nowhere, instantly causing Willow's anger to drain. "You're Willow, right?"

"Why?" Willow snapped crossly. Buffy's smile vanished, and was replaced by an angry scowl. "Oh! I mean, uh, hi!" Willow frowned slightly. "Do you want me to move?" She gestured to the spot where she had been sitting.

"Yes, I d– I mean, why don't we start with 'Hi, I'm Buffy', and then let's segue into me directly asking you for a favor," Buffy said. She walked over and sat by Willow, taking out her lunch bag. "It does involve moving, and it doesn't involve hanging out with me for a while."

Willow cocked her head curiously. "Don't you mean that it _doesn't_ involve moving, and that it _does_ involve hanging out?"

Buffy coughed. "Uh, yeah. That's what I meant."

"But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?" Willow asked, looking somewhat melancholy.

"Oh, that ho?" Buffy said. "Well, she's been really skanky – er, nice, and everything, but…" She cleared her throat nervously. After getting rid of the phlegm in her esophagus, she then stated, "You see, I'm trying to figure out a way to pass all of my classes this year, and I heard that you were the person to talk to about it."

"Oh, cool!" Willow exclaimed. "Do you want me to help you study?"

"Like hell!" Buffy laughed. "I want you to teach me how to suck up to teachers so that I can get by without doing any homework whatsoever!"

"Oh…" Willow frowned. Then she decided that her desire to be popular was much stronger than her desire to do what was right, and she said, "Well, I could totally help you out –if you have sixth period free, we can meet in the library–"

"Er…" Buffy remembered how creepy the librarian had been, and she decided that she didn't want to go through all that again. "Well, we could meet someplace… um, more _modern,_ if you will… that place is still caught back somewhere in the seventeenth century."

"Yeah, it has that effect on most people," Willow admitted. "I _love_ it, though – there's a great collection of Playboy magazines, and the new British librarian is _really_ cool!"

"Really? I personally thought that he was pretty disturbing – wait a minute," Buffy said, staring at Willow in surprise. "He's new?"

Willow nodded eagerly. "Yeah, he just started. Before, he owned some XXX store or something, I can't really remember, but he knows everything… or at least he thinks he does. But he brought all these historical volumes and creepy books about demons and am I the single dullest person alive?" Willow finished, suddenly self-conscious.

"Of course you are – uh, I mean, not at all," Buffy lied. Just then there was a loud _thud!_ as two shapes crash-landed in front of the girls.

"Hey!" An all-too-familiar voice called out. "What's goin' on, guys?"

"_OhdearGodno,"_ Buffy whispered in horror, and dove behind Willow, trying to hide. "Don't tell him I'm here!"

Xander jumped to his feet, and Jesse, who had acted as his landing pad, got up as well, rubbing his dislocated shoulder. "So, are we – hey, where'd Buffy go?"

"Found her!" Jesse sang out, and Buffy reluctantly came out from her hiding place, swearing under her breath. "Hey there, sweet cheeks!"

"Buffy, this is Jesse, and that's Xander," Willow introduced, pointing at the two boys, a look of slight dismay on her face. "They're idiots, but you'll get used to them."

"You know, Buffy and I go waaaaaay back," Xander said, giving her a sly smile. "We're old friends, but _veeery _close. Then there was that period when we, er, _broke up,_ when we were both cheating on other people, but now here we are, like old times, ready to resume the relationship." There was a pause.

"It might just be me," Jesse remarked, smirking at Xander, "but I think you're turning into an even _hornier_ dumbass."

"I am?" Xander blushed with happiness. "Why, thank you!" Pause. "Hey, wait…"

"Well, either way," Buffy said, frowning at the two idiots, "it's not a pleasure to meet you guys… I mean, let's face it, you're _both_ horny losers, so that immediately places you in my 'Not Interested, and Never Will Be' category of guys."

"Well, _sorry,"_ Jesse apologized, sticking his tongue out at her. "We just wanted to welcome you and make you feel at home… that way, you'll be comfortable with having sex here, and not just at your home."

"What did you just…" Buffy began, but then suddenly she saw a piece of wood sticking out of Xander's backpack. It looked remarkably like… "HEY! That's my stake! You stole it from me, you little klepto!" _Wham! Bang! Smack!_

"Ow! I'm sorry! I didn't even know it was yours, I swear!" Xander whimpered, now a bloody heap on the ground.

"Suuuuure…" Buffy muttered, tucking the stake into her bag.

Xander suddenly jumped up, having miraculously recovered, and sat uncomfortably close to Buffy, sidling up until he was pressed against her like a static cling. "So, come on, what do you like? What do you look for in a man? Come on, let's hear it!"

"Whoa!" Buffy shoved Xander off of her and onto Willow, who squealed in delight as her crush landed on her lap. "I think you –"

"Do you have any dark painful secrets that you'd like to share?" Jesse asked eagerly.

"_No,"_ Buffy emphasized, then she sighed. "Why does everyone want to know about _me?"_

"Well, not much goes on in a town with only one drug dealer like Sunnydale," Xander pointed out. "You're pretty big news. So, anyway, back to my previous questions: what are your answers? Come on – daylight's wastin'!"

Buffy scowled, and snapped, "Like hell I'm gonna tell _you_ two horn dogs about me! You'll just get all stalker status on me, like that creepy librarian did!"

Just then, Buffy was saved by (amazingly) Cordelia, who walked up and stared at the two slobbering weirdoes. She frowned at the two boys, and then asked Buffy in a mildly concerned voice, "Are these guys bothering you?"

"No, of course not," Buffy said sarcastically.

"She's not hanging out with us," Willow said quickly.

Cordelia narrowed her eyes, and Jesse stood up, smiling at her like a lovesick puppy. "Hey, my love… how's it going?"

"Buzz off," she said acidly, and then turned to Buffy, "I don't mean to interrupt your baptism into loserhood, but I just wanted to let you know that you won't be seeing Coach Mann – you know, the woman with more than just chest hair, because gym was cancelled due to someone spray-painting 'Aura sucks monkey balls' all over the walls! Oh, and there was also some dead guy in her locker."

"What?" Buffy asked, her eyes wide with shock.

"What are you talking about?" Willow asked.

"What, are you people deaf?" Cordelia snapped. "I just said that there was a dead guy stuffed into Aura's locker! He's probably covered in gangrene and herpes, which was probably why they had to quarantine the place –"

"But he was dead?" Buffy repeated, still not ready to believe it.

Cordelia nodded. "TOTALLY dead. I mean, he wasn't breathing or anything!"

"Yeah, that would definitely qualify somebody to be dead," Xander said, nodding with agreement.

"No shiz, Sherlock," Cordelia said with annoyance.

Jesse leaned in closer to Cordelia, trying to let her get a whiff of his manly cologne. "You know… if you need a shoulder to cry on, or a mouth to kiss on, I'd be glad to help you out." Cordelia rolled her eyes.

"How did he die?" Buffy asked, her tone urgent.

Cordelia made a face. "I don't know."

"Were there any marks?" Buffy fired off. "Come on, speak up, girl! We don't have all day!"

"Obsessed much?" Cordelia questioned. "I didn't ask. How the hell am I supposed to know if there were _marks?_ Of course, if you count having syphilis, then…"

Buffy frowned. She knew that this whole thing was a lot more serious than it looked. "Um, I'll catch up with you guys later… I've got to go." She stood up and left quickly, humming to herself, "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now…"

"What's up _her_ ass?" Cordelia asked irritably, watching her go.

-With Buffy, Who Went To Investigate-

Buffy headed down the hallway stealthily, checking to make sure that no teacher came and snuck up on her unexpectedly. She quickly darted down and stopped outside of the locker room, clutching her bag close to her. She then turned and tried the handle, but the door was locked. Buffy glanced around once, and then looked back at the knob. "And behind door number one…" she murmured as she yanked on the handle, jerking the door clear off of its hinges. She then quickly and quietly slipped inside the locker room.

The place was a disgusting lime green color, and everything smelled like sweat. Buffy wrinkled her nose and tried not to breathe as she headed down to the farthest row of lockers, where the dead guy had been found. She saw him lying there, completely obscured by a blanket, and, kneeling over him, she whipped off the sheet.

"OH MY GAAAAWWD!" she shrieked, but luckily her voice was so high-pitched that only dogs could hear her (mind you, they were writhing in pain). "I don't believe it! It's… Michael Jackson! Thank _God!"_ Then she saw another figure covered in a blanket. "Oh. I think that's the guy I'm supposed to be leaning over."

Taking a deep breath of foul air, Buffy lifted the blanket off of the other figure's face, and it was a guy (well, whaddaya know? The same guy from the prologue!), his face paler than stone. His eyes stared forward, and there was a large bite mark on his neck. Buffy grimaced. "That is one serious hickey…"

-Back In The Library (Still With Buffy)-

"Okay!" Buffy smashed her way into the library, looking determined. "The hell's going on here? I need an explanation, _stat!"_

"Pardon?" Giles, who was behind the bookshelves, asked, his voice floating seemingly out of nowhere.

"You heard about that dead guy, right?" Buffy asked. "The dead guy in the locker? You know, his body was raped numerous times, and he had some _nasty_ genital wart thing going on, right?"

"Er, yes…" Giles replied, looking grossed out. Buffy ignored him.

"Okay, good, because it's the damndest thing," she said, running up the staircase, tripping several times. "You see, he's also got two little, tiny, teensy weensy holes in his neck, and his all his blood's been drained. But that's beside the point – he was my ex-best friend's boyfriend's cousin's _brother!_ Isn't that _weird_?" She stared at Giles, waiting for a response. He merely stared at her, his mouth open. "Don't you just want to yell, 'Oh em gee!'?" she finished in a preppy voice.

Giles frowned. "I was afraid of this…"

"Well, I wasn't!" Buffy exclaimed. "It's my first friggin' day here! I thought I was gonna get a boyfriend or become instantly popular, but _nooooo,_ there had to be friggin' vampires in the friggin' town I had to friggin' move to! And guess what?" she declared defiantly to Giles. "I don't friggin' care!"

"All right, then," Giles said, and then turned away, resuming his work. "Then don't bother coming to tell me about it."

Buffy was taken aback, and she tried to regain her equanimity. "Well… I… you… fine!" She whirled around and started to storm away.

"Is he… will he rise again?" Giles asked, rubbing his forehead. "The boy, that is."

Buffy turned around to face him. "How the hell am I supposed to know? Seriously, dude – ask Miss Cleo or somebody else, but not me!" Suddenly a man wearing a headset and a t-shirt and jeans came in the scene, and whispered something in Buffy's ear. "Oh, yeah? Well, thanks, that helps a lot!" The guy left, and Buffy turned back to face Giles. "No, he's just dead."

"Are you sure?" Giles asked.

"Yes."

"Positive?"

"_Yes."_

"Eww, gross!" Giles jeered. "Oh, snap!" He slapped his leg in appreciation of his own (dumb) joke. Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Listen, bozo, to make you into a vampire, they have to suck your blood, and then you have to suck their blood. It's a whole big sucking thing…" She paused. "Awgh, I just realized how wrong that sounded… but anyway, they're basically just gonna kill you." Buffy then realized that she was still talking to Giles. "Ack! I just realized I'm still talking to you (see?)!" She turned and started to leave, running down the staircase.

"You have no bloody idea what's going on here, do you?" Giles asked, his British personality emerging. "Do you think you're moving here is just a coinky-dink?"

"A _what?"_ Buffy asked. Giles cleared his throat nervously.

"I mean, uh, a coincidence? These killings… they're all just the beginning of a greater evil! As a matter of fact, that boy was killed by a vampire named Da –"

"Stop trying to ruin it for the audience!" Buffy scolded. "Besides, I don't want to be involved with any of it, anyway, so why can't you guys just leave me alone?"

"Dramatic groan!" Giles muttered, and then replied in a spooky voice, "Because you are the Slayer. Into each generation, a Slayer is born, one girl or girl look alike in all the world, a Chosen One, born with –"

"The ability to kick ass and bake cookies," Buffy finished. "And I'm all out of cookies. Er, wait, I mean with the strength and skill to hunt to vampires, etcetera. Yeah, I've heard it all before, okay?"

"Oh, okay…" Giles said, his voice a bit deflated. "Uh, I mean, quiet! Your flippancy has become tiresome. Besides, you've slain vampires before, you've accepted your fate, so why don't you –"

"Maybe it's because there's obviously something wrong with a teenage girl who's _killing_ by her fourteenth birthday?" Buffy suggested, a smug smile on her face.

Giles wouldn't allow himself to be the loser of the argument. He moved over to the counter, darting into his office. "What do you know about this town, besides the fact that there are vampires here, and that the turkey subs need desperate improving?"

"The whole place could comfortably fit in a suburb of Phoenix?" Giles came back out of the office, holding a huge stack of books taller than he was. He staggered under the weight, and then suddenly tripped over a random stool that one of the stagehands had left out. He went sprawling, spraining his ankle and dropping all of the books. He lay there in a heap while Buffy was trying desperately not to snicker.

"Urgh… I think I just broke something…" Giles got back up, taking care to not lean on his injured ankle. "But anyway, what I was going to say was that if you look through Sunnydale's history, you'll find that we have had some fairly odd occurrences, including the fact that _thirteen_ sets of Siamese twins have been born here! Also, there's some kind of mystical energy field here 'n crap, but that's not important."

"Uh, back to the vampires," Buffy said, trying to stick to the script. "The mystical energy attracts vampires, right?"

"You wouldn't believe what kind of energy _I'm_ attracted to," Giles said, staring at Buffy's legs. Seeing her murderous look, he quickly corrected, "Er, not just vampires, but zombies, werewolves, drug dealers – everything you thought didn't exist, but _does._ They're all real," he whispered in a creepy voice.

Buffy nodded. "Sure, okay, I believe you." Giles smiled, relieved. "NOT!" The smile faded away. "First of all, I'm a _vampire_ Slayer, and second of all, I'm retired, so don't think that you can get away with trying to _force_ me." She pondered for a moment. "Hey! I've got a fabulous idea – why don't you kill them?"

"Well, I'm just a Watcher," Giles began.

"Oh, come on!" Buffy said, punching him playfully on the shoulder, accidentally bruising him in the process. "A stake in the heart, a little sunlight, it's like making love – I mean, baking bread."

"… I _burn_ bread," Giles said, a blush creeping to his cheeks. "Besides, the Slayer slays, the Watcher –"

"Watches?" suggested Buffy.

"Yes!" Giles snapped. Seeing the look of confusion on Buffy's face, he instantly realized his mistake. "Cough. I mean, no!" Giles said. "A Watcher trains and prepares her –"

"Prepares me for _what?"_ demanded Buffy. "For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For becoming addicted to Vicoden because it helps me to slay vampires without feeling pain? Then go ahead!" she snapped, and held her arms out. "Prepare me, daddy-o!"

There was a long, awkward pause. "Er, you know, prepare me for slaying vampires," Buffy clarified.

"Well, don't say it like that!" Giles snapped, and then thought for a moment. "Although, if that's what you _want,_ then…" Buffy decided that she had had enough with this man's stupid antics, and she grabbed her bag and stormed out of the library. Giles momentarily spaced out, and then finally, after several seconds, snapped back to reality. "Motherf –" he swore, and then ran (or hobbled) after Buffy.

Emerging from behind the bookshelves, Xander took a tentative step out, not believing what he had just heard. "What the f…" he asked aloud.

-Following Buffy In the Hallway-

"Wait!" Giles called after Buffy. "You can't leave! It's getting worse!"

Buffy stopped, fed up. "What's getting worse?" she snapped.

"The Arizona Diamondbacks," Giles replied, holding up a newspaper. "Have you _seen_ their scores?" He threw the newspaper aside. "The supernatural occurrences have been building for years! There's a reason why you're here, and a reason why it's now! I'm just not sure what it is…"

"Because now is the time my mom decided to move to this crap town," Buffy growled, starting to walk away. Giles put a hand in front of her to stop her.

"Listen to me, will you? Something's coming… something is gonna happen here, and soon!" he declared.

Buffy frowned. "Like what? Another Woodstock?" she asked. "Because that would be pretty cool…"

"Signs, as far as I can tell, point to a mystical upheaval," Giles gestured, pointing out a hall window to a myriad of road signs labeled with arrows and the words "Mystical Upheaval." "We only have days, possibly less."

"Oh, come on!" Buffy exclaimed. "This is Sunnydale, land of palm trees and nude beaches! Is there anything _more_ evil?"

"Well, yes, actually –"

SMACK!

"Change the damn scene already!"

-Finally, We'll Go To A Place Underground-

Meanwhile, directly underneath Sunnydale High School, there was a dimly lit cavern, with candles and some weird shapes on the ceiling that looked like wasp nests. A faint buzzing was heard, and the two people who were walking around with torches were also wearing beekeeper outfits. In the middle of the cavern, there was a pool of dark red blood.

"The sleeper will wake," a creepy voice said, followed by some eerie piano music. "The sleeper will wake…" The two guys with torches exchanged a glance, their boredom reflecting in the way they marched around unenthusiastically. "The sleeper will wake…" An old guy, probably seventies or eighties, was sitting calmly in a chair made out of the wall, staring straight ahead. "The sleeper will –"

"Will you shut the hell up already?!" the old guy threw his shoe at the man talking, who was (surprise!) a vampire that we'll call Luke. "They've gotten the message, so you can stop repeating yourself!"

"Sorry."

-In Buffy's Room, Later That Evening-

Buffy held a dress up against her chest in front of her mirror, seeing if it would look good on her. The dress was the complete opposite of modest, with a high skirt and exposing chest (it was a French maid's outfit). "Hmm… nice, but a little _too_ sexy." She held up a nun's robes, and then frowned again. "Too innocent." She sighed. "I used to be so damn good at this, and now I suck? What the bleep happened to me?" She rummaged through her closet.

Just then, Mrs. Summers came in, giving a small hello. Seeing the clothes thrown upon her daughter's bed, she asked Buffy, "Are you going out?"

"Yeah, I told you," Buffy said, "I'm going out clubbing."

"Will there be boys there?" Mrs. Summers asked, her eyes narrowed. Buffy gasped in mock horror.

"Why, _no!_ Of course not! Why would you even _think_ that there would be people of my opposite gender there?" she asked, appalled. Mrs. Summers sighed with relief.

"Okay. I'm glad – I don't want you fraternizing with the enemy."

"Jeez, what a dimwit," Buffy thought to herself as her mother picked up one of her pillows off of her bed.

"I think we can make it work here," Mrs. Summers informed Buffy. "I've got my positive energy flowing – wait, who the hell gave me such cheesy lines?"

A screenwriter offstage gave a cough. Sighing, Mrs. Summers turned back to Buffy and said, "Anyway, I know it's hard for you, what with our moving to a new town and your being an illegitimate child, but I just want you to know that it's hard for me, too. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Yeah, like Stanley Yelnats," Buffy said. "I mean, you're right, Mom. From now on, I'm only going to hang out with the gang bangers – I mean, the living – I mean… dammit! Just leave me alone to brood in peace!" she snarled, turning back to the closet and bursting into tears.

"Okay," Mrs. Summers said apologetically, and then patted her daughter on the back. "You have fun, okay, honey? Don't have too much to drink – you know what happened last time."

-Still With Buffy, Only She's Going To The Bronze Now-

Buffy walked down the street, dressed in a simple outfit that consisted of jeans, a blue jacket and boots, and on top of that, her hair was done all pretty, too. After recovering from her earlier waterworks, she had eaten a box of homemade sugar cookies and a mug of hot chocolate, so she felt refreshed. She walked with a casual sway, her boots making a cool rhythm on the pavement.

"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up?" a voice rapped, and several gangstas appeared out of nowhere and began hip hopping, making weird noises with their mouths and clapping.

"Get lost!" Buffy snapped, batting them away. She continued on her way, the only other sound being crickets chirping. Several yards behind her, a dark figure stepped onto the street, standing in place for several seconds, and then started to follow her. "She's acting like she's never seen a white person before," he muttered to himself. Buffy paused, and tilted her head, as though she had heard something. She glanced behind her, and, seeing nothing, she kept on walking. The figure continued to follow her.

Now definitely starting to get a little freaked out, Buffy jogged down the street, and ducked into an alley. She looked around, and then sighed to herself. "If it's that creepy librarian again, then somebody's gon' die." She quickly looked around for a suitable hiding place. Everyone in the audience noticed how she looked _up…_

The figure, which had still been following Buffy the whole time, paused, as though it had lost track of where she was. It turned into the alley that Buffy had gone to, and then slowed in its pace. As it passed dramatically in front of the moonlight, it turned out that the figure was a man (hottie alert!), with short spiky hair and a black jacket pulled over a white shirt. He looked around, confused, and as he walked further down the alley, the camera swiveled to reveal that Buffy was holding onto a bar, her body perfectly vertical and _upside down._ Hopefully you can picture what that would look like. As the man walked in front of the bar, Buffy swung around and kicked him in the back, knocking him over. There was a loud _crunch!_ as his skull made connection with the asphalt, and he let out a scream of pain. Several paramedics rushed to the scene, and he was carried off on a stretcher in an ambulance.

-About An Hour Later-

The man, now sporting a turban-like bandage on his head, lay on his back on the ground, in the place he should have been without an injured head. Buffy placed her foot on his chest, pinning him to the ground, but taking care not to hurt him further. He let out a nervous laugh, staring at her. "Is there a problem, ma'am?"

"Yeah, there's a problem," Buffy snapped. "You're too damn sexy for me to threaten! It's not fair! Why couldn't you have been ugly, or had a giant hairy mole on your face or something? Damn you!" She pouted, and then remembered. "Oh. Wait. Why are you following me?"

The man smirked. "I know what you're thinking," he said. He looked thoughtful for a moment, invoking his mind reading abilities. "You're thinking about how you'd like to make out with me, rip off my clothes, and… oh. Um. Well, then…" He coughed lightly, and then replied, "Sorry, but this fic is only rated T, so we have to keep it semi-clean." He then swallowed, and said, "Don't worry – I don't bite… much."

Frowning, Buffy took her foot off of him, allowing him to stand up. He kept his eyes on her, even as he took off his turban bandage, which was covered in blood from his head wound. "Truth is," he admitted, "I thought you'd be taller, or you'd have a bigger bust and all that." He rubbed his head, which was now seeping blood onto his shirt. "You're pretty, though. Pretty _psycho."_

"Okay, that's it," Buffy snarled. "What the hell do you want, you son of a –"

"The same thing you want," the man replied, raising an eyebrow.

Buffy thought for a moment. "You want to tear off your clothes, too? Oh, my God! This is my dream come true!" She started to lunge at him, but he shoved her off.

"Whoa, there, girly!" he yelled, trying to calm her down. "Slow it down, sweet cheeks! I think it's a bit early in this show to start thinking about _that,_ isn't it?" He shook his head. "No, that wasn't what I was talking about. You want to kill them. To kill them ALL."

"No, actually," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I desperately want to make out with you." She saw the blood dripping from his head onto his shirt, and then made a face. "Er, on second thought, I just want to be left alone." She started to walk away.

"Do you really think that that's an option anymore?" the man demanded, turning to face her. "You're standing at the mouth of hell, and yes, it really does have a mouth, for your information, and it's about to open. It's hungry." He made a cool growling noise, baring his teeth. Buffy just stared at him. Finally, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box and tossed it to her. "Don't turn your back on this. You've got to be ready."

"What for?" Buffy asked, staring at the box, and then took a step back. "These… these aren't condoms, are they?"

"You've got to be ready," he repeated in a dramatic voice. "For Super Bowl Sunday!" he declared, whipping out a bag of potato chips and a case of Bud Light. Suddenly there was a ringing noise, and he sighed. "Excuse me." He answered his cell phone, and nodded as the person on the other line spoke. "Gee, really? Well, that sucks." He hung up and turned back to Buffy. "Okay, it turns out that the Super Bowl already passed, so I guess I have to tell you to be ready for the Harvest 'n crap."

Buffy thought for a moment. She had no idea what the Harvest was, except for that it had something to do with farmers and their crops, but she didn't really care. All she wanted to do right now was get out of there before this guy decided to try to do anything else. "Who are you?" she asked.

He smiled slyly. "Let's just say I'm a friend." He started to walk away.

Buffy turned to face him. "Maybe I don't want a friend," she called out, and then he turned and stared at her, hurt.

"You… you mean you don't like me?" he whispered, tears brimming his eyes as his lower lip trembled. Buffy quickly cleared her throat, trying to keep him from bursting into sobs.

"No, no! I mean… well, I… okay, maybe I _do_ want you for a friend…" she replied reluctantly.

The man smirked at her, his previous unhappiness having vanished. "Yeah? Well, too bad!" he cackled.

"You jackass!"

"Later, toots!" he jogged off, leaving a trail of blood in his wake. Buffy frowned, now putting permanent frown lines in her face, and then looked at the box the man had given her. She opened it, and found that there was a cross inside, attached to a silver chain. She looked back up toward where the man had left, wondering whom he was and why he had decided to waste five minutes of her life talking about _nothing._

-Yay! We're At the Bronze!-

The Bronze, which was the club that Buffy was going to, was a definitely the place to be. There were bonfires and fireworks going on outside, and deafening music was coming from the inside of the warehouse. Buffy strolled on up, and after getting into a heated argument with the doorman (he wouldn't let her in until he patted her down, police style); she simply punched the man in the face, and then walked in. There were crowds of people, hanging out in little cliques and talking about random stuff. There was a band onstage, playing and singing their hearts out. The song was vaguely familiar to Buffy…

"And the Trogdor comes in the niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!" the lead singer howled, his overlong hair getting into his face, temporarily blinding him. In that instant, he tripped, toppling over some speakers and breaking his limbs. He was then kicked offstage, and the band resumed their concert by launching into the chorus of 'Canadian Idiot'.

Buffy looked across the room, and saw that an attractive guy was waving to her. Eagerly, she swung her hand upward to wave back, accidentally punching some other boy in the face. "Ooh… sorry," she apologized sincerely. "I was just waving to that Hunkasaurus over there –"

"You crazy broad!" the boy yelped, clutching his bleeding nose. "He was waving to _me!"_

"Oh. My bad, then." The boy staggered off, muttering something about dumb whores. Buffy turned and surveyed her surroundings, and decided to head over to the bar, where she could get drunk and hopefully forget about all the horrible things that had happened that day (yes, everything that you've just read occurred within 1 day). She walked up to the bar, and then saw a familiar face in the crowd. "Hey, Willow!"

Willow turned, a smile on her face. "Xander! I've been waiting for you all _night,_ you – oh, wait. Hi, Buffy," she replied, looking disappointed.

"Are you waiting for someone?" asked Buffy, ordering some kind of alcoholic beverage. Once she had taken barely a sip, she instantly became intoxicated, swaying back and forth. "WoooOOAAH! Thank you God for extra strength vodka!"

Willow, having not noticed Buffy's sudden change in personality, replied with a shrug, "No, I'm just here… well, okay, don't laugh or anything, but I was kinda hoping that Xander would show up."

"Wha…? Are you crazy, sweetie?" Buffy demanded in too loud of a voice (probably due to the alcohol). "I wouldn't touch that boy with a ten-foot stake!" She then promptly leaned over the counter and threw up on the bartender, who gave her a withering look.

"It's not like I'm going out with him or anything!" Willow protested as Buffy continued to chug the vodka. "Well… actually, we used to go out, but then we broke up."

Buffy, who was now trembling from the amount of depressants in her system, managed to say, "Well, why'd you guys break up, then? Did he tell too many lame jokes that cracked you up?" She giggled. "Get it? You guys broke up? You cracked up? Hee-hee-hee!" She began laughing uncontrollably.

"No," Willow said, oblivious to what was happening to Buffy. "He stole my Ken doll, the cheap bastard. He wanted to make out with it because his older brother told him that if he didn't, then he wouldn't be a man."

"Really?" Buffy said, sipping from the glass of tequila she had ordered (addicted much?). "How old was he? Five? Four?"

"Um… we were fifteen," Willow admitted, shrugging sheepishly.

The bartender came by and handed Buffy a glass of water. "Here, drink this," he said. "We need you to be sober in order to slay vampires, okay? Enough alcohol already." With that, he pried Buffy's mouth open and poured the water in, and she instantly snapped back to her senses. She stared at the empty water glass, and then looked at the bartender.

"Holy _crap!_ The hell's in that stuff?!" she demanded. He shrugged and walked away. Buffy turned back to Willow, who was now eating some peanuts and making little monkey noises. "Okay, so… what were we talking about?"

"Well, uh…" Willow paused. "We were in the middle of discussing my pathetic crush on my BFF, I believe."

"Oh, okay." Buffy waved for her to continue. "Please, go on."

"Yeah, I don't really date a whole lot," Willow admitted, shrugging. "Probably because I'm such a nerd, and I bore everyone to death with my incessant ravings about how much I like school." She sighed. "Besides, when I'm with a boy or boy look alike that I _like,_ then it's hard for me to say cool things. Mostly I just blurt out how much I would like them to own my body, and that scares them away."

"Oh, come on," Buffy said, lightly patting Willow's shoulder. "That doesn't sound _too_ bad."

"No, it is. I think boys are more interested in girls that can have a conversation that doesn't involve sex," Willow insisted. Buffy did a double take.

"You're kidding, right? That's _all_ boys think about! Hell, if every guy here was as horny as Xander, then you'd be the queen of dating," she said.

Willow shrugged and gave Buffy a submissive look. "It's probably easy for you."

"Yeah, really," Buffy agreed. At that moment two sexy guys came over and put their arms around Buffy, who winked at them. "I'll be with you two hotties in a minute," she said, blowing them kisses as they walked away. "Besides, my philosophy is – wait, before I continue, do you want to hear my philosophy?"

"No, not really," Willow admitted truthfully.

Buffy smiled. "Okay, well too bad, because I'm gonna tell you anyway."

"Dammit…" Willow swore.

"Life is short," Buffy said. "Sure, it's not original – I mean, I copied it out of a book and everything, but that doesn't matter. Why should you waste your time worrying about some guy and if he's gonna lay you? You should seize the moment, because tomorrow you might be…" She paused for a dramatic effect. "…_DEAD."_

Willow stared in horror. "… I _love_ it!" she exclaimed. "It's the best advice anyone's ever given me! Well, except for that one time when my counselor told me to try out for 'So You Think You Can Dance'." She grinned at the fond memory.

Buffy, meanwhile, had been preoccupied with staring up at the second level, where she had suddenly spotted Giles, who was eyeing some young girl's legs. "Ew… I'd better get up there before he does something _really_ stupid." Turning to Willow, she then said, "Hey, listen, I'll be back in a minute, okay?"

Willow shook her head. "Oh no, that's okay. You don't have to come back."

Buffy thought for a moment, and then shrugged. "Okay then. I didn't really want to come back anyway." She got up from her seat and ran up the stairs, leaving Willow to think about Buffy's philosophy.

Running down the balcony, Buffy looked around for Giles, and found him… slowly lifting a girl's skirt. "Hey, I can _see_ you, Giles!"

Giles let out a yelp of surprise, and the girl, who then noticed what was going on, shrieked and slapped him across the face. "Pervert!" she accused, and then raced away, her face bright red. Giles reeled from the force of the slap, and Buffy jogged up to him, clearly enjoying his shock.

"So, you like to go out partying, too?" Buffy asked. She thought for a moment, and then shrugged. "I can't say I'm surprised."

"Yeah, this is me having a good time," Giles said sarcastically. "Watching those clowns prance about onstage, acting as though they were _entertaining_ everybody is hardly my idea of a party." He shook his head in dismay. "I'd much rather be at some young hunny's house – I mean, at home with my books and a hot cup of decaf."

"You need a life, stat!" Buffy said, disappointed in her Watcher.

"Don't you see?" Giles declared out of nowhere. "This is a perfect breeding place for vampire activity! It's dark, crowded…"

"Hey, kinda like my—" Buffy started.

"Besides, I knew you were likely to show up," Giles cut her off, and then, realizing what he was missing out on, "Oh, go on, _please_." Buffy's eyes bugged out of her head and she backed away.

"WHOA! Back it up, perv! You just stay away from me and I won't sue you for sexual harassment!" she threatened.

"I have to make you understand –" Giles began.

"That the Harvest is coming," Buffy finished. "I know, okay? Your friend told me. He also mentioned something about you being arrested for rape?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Uh…" Giles decided to skip that statement. "What did you say about the Harvest?"

"Hell if I know!" Buffy grumbled. "I'm drawing a complete blank here – and not just because I'm blonde! Does it mean anything to you?"

"I'm not sure…" Giles said, trying to think. He looked into Buffy's face, and she pulled away reflexively. "Who told you that?"

Buffy was taken aback – didn't Giles know the man already? "Some… guy," she replied. "Dark, muscular, drop-dead gorgeous, but a bit of a crybaby, so I figured you two were pals."

Giles shook his head. "The Harvest… did he say anything else?"

"I already told you – he said you were arrested for rape, remember?" Buffy waved Giles off. "It doesn't matter, because I really don't wanna know about that, and I really didn't like him!" (Foreshadow…) With an angry sigh, Buffy whirled around and stared at the crowds of people dancing below. Giles leaned in close to her ear, practically resting his head on her shoulder.

"Look at them… throwing themselves about…" Giles remarked, his eyes locked on a group of slutty looking girls doing the Macarena. "It's so damn sexy…"

Buffy gagged. "Dude… your breath… really reeks…" she pushed his face away. He scowled at her.

"Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps –"

"_Perhaps?_ Listen, man, I _know_ I'm right! Hell, your breath could probably kill an elephant or –"

"That's not what I meant!" Giles snapped. "I mean that perhaps there is no danger coming, like you think. It's not as though you've been having the nightmares."

Buffy let out a gasp, and slowly turned around. "What? How the hell do you know about that? STALKER!"

Meanwhile, back downstairs, Cordelia Chase had also decided to hang out at the Bronze. She was hanging out with a group of her girlfriends, who were about two steps away from practically worshipping the ground that Cordelia stood on.

"We love you, Cordy!" they squealed. "You're so popular! And beautiful! We wish we could be like you!"

"Oh, I _know,_" Cordelia said snobbishly. "As if I needed you losers to tell me that."

Just then there was a loud _crash_ as Jesse, the weird awkward friend of Xander, stumbled into several tables, knocking them over. He was holding a bottle of beer and clearly plum drunk. "Heeeeeeeeey, Cooordy!" he said, his words stretched out and slightly slurred.

Cordelia grimaced. "Yay, it's my stalker." She turned and stared at Jesse, who took another swig of beer and belched.

"So," he said, swaying on the spot. "Yoo look fiiiiine in that hot dress."

"Really? Why thank you!" Cordelia accepted the compliment with a smile. Then she gave him a dagger stare. "Now beat it or I'll beat you."

"Heeeey," he said, smiling drunkenly. "That sounds a little kink –"

SLAP!

"_Ooooooowwwwiiiiiieee!"_ Jesse howled, clutching his injured cheek. "I waaahhs just gonna ask you if you wanted to dance!"

"Not with you, you drunken horn dog," Cordelia snapped. "Come on, guys – let's get out of here before he tries to violate my purity." With that, Cordelia and her posse darted away before Jesse could figure out what had happened. He merely shrugged.

"Ah well… there's plenty of other sexies here to satisfy mah needs," he said, and glanced at another group of girls seductively. "Ohhh, _laaaaaadies!"_

Meanwhile, back upstairs with Buffy…

"Listen up, jerk off!" Buffy snapped to Giles. "No means no, and I am _not_ going home with you, got it?!" Suddenly she realized that the camera was on her. "Oh, eff! Urgh… uh, I mean, I never said that I've never slain a vampire! It's not like I think that they're cute or anything… I'm just not going to devote my entire life into slayage… now see, if one showed up at my door, then I _may_ feel the obligation to kill it –"

"Will you be ready?" Giles demanded, fed up with Buffy's reluctance. "There's so much you don't know about them… including the fact that the males have huge pe–"

"REALLY don't wanna know," Buffy said before Giles could finish his statement.

"Vampires appear to be completely normal," he continued, "until the feed is upon them… only then do they reveal their true demonic horniness."

Buffy groaned. "You're like a rock with the voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi – I _know_ this crap already, okay? My mom beat me into doing my Slayer homework, so I –"

"The point is that a Slayer should be able to see them without looking or thinking," Giles interrupted. "Can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building? Well? Hmm?" He got up in her face, waiting for an answer. "Come, come; we don't have all day!"

"Awgh!" Buffy pushed him away. "Maybe there is, and maybe there isn't, okay? Besides, how will you know if I'm right or not?"

"_You_ should know!" Giles snapped. "Even through this mass of unwashed slobs, you should be able to sense them! Well, try!" he growled, seeing Buffy having lost interest in his speech. "Don't just stand there, you wench!"

"Hmm?" Buffy looked up from scratching her butt. "You said something?"

"Listen girly, just reach out with your mind and try to find a damn vampire already, okay?!" Giles snarled. Buffy closed her eyes, using the Force to locate a vampire. She suddenly opened her eyes, and then pointed to the first person she saw.

"Oh dear Lord! There's one right there!"

"Eeeek!" Giles screamed shrilly, and tried to hide behind Buffy, who punched him away. "I mean, uh, where?"

Buffy pointed. "Right there; the one talking to that transvestite! Are you blind?"

"You don't _know –_" Giles started.

"Hellooooo? I'm a mother-flippin' Slayer! Of _course_ I know! His junk is enormous, just like you said it would be." She shrugged. "Also, his outfit is still caught somewhere back in the nineteen-twenties or so, but that's not important."

"You didn't _hone_ –" Giles tried to say, but was once again interrupted by Buffy, who had just realized that the "transvestite" had unusually familiar red hair…

"Oh no…" she whispered. "Willow's actually a _male?!_ And he's _gay!_ Ohh, God…" She tried not to hurl as she remembered what Willow had been wearing at school that day – _tights_. Giles had noticed the sign of her distress, and frowned.

"What's she… er, he doing?" Giles asked.

Buffy shrugged. "Like hell if I know! I'd better get down there and warn that guy though – he has no idea what he's getting himself into!" Buffy quickly ran downstairs after them, hoping that the vampire wouldn't try anything before he found out Willow's true gender. Giles stared at them, for a few minutes, and then raced after Buffy, tripping down the stairs and landing on a pile of shattered glass.

Buffy followed the two, er, boys down a dark creepy hallway, unsure of where they had gone. She quickly seized the leg of an overturned chair and snapped it off, creating an instant stake. It magically formed into a perfectly fashioned weapon, and Buffy stared at it in amazement, and then continued on her search. She walked back and forth down the hallway, trying to think of where they might have gone, and then dramatically opened a door at the end of the hallway.

"Hey!" a girl complained as light streamed in, interrupting her make out session with her boyfriend, who was trying to lick her neck at that moment. Buffy made a face.

"Sorry." She shut the door, and then heard a creepy voice hiss in her ear: _"I'm coming for you, my precious…"_

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" she shrieked, and whirled around, holding the person by the throat and pinning her/him to the wall, stake raised.

"Awgh! Please don't hurt me!" A pathetic voice whimpered. Buffy gasped.

"Cordelia! What the hell are you doing here? Can't you see I'm having a very emotional time right now?"

"The hell's your problem?" Cordelia snapped, and her girlfriends popped up behind her, glaring at Buffy, who ignored them.

"Have you guys seen Willow? Did she… er, he come by here?"

"Why? Do you need to attack her with a stick?" Cordelia growled, rubbing her neck. "Seriously, woman – are you PMSing or something?" Buffy coughed nervously.

"Uh, well, uh… see, she's not really a she… she's, er, he's a she… or, actually… aww, screw it." She ran out of the room, leaving Cordelia to glare at empty space.

"Excuse me," she said to her friends as she pulled out her huge cell phone, "but I need to call my lawyer and ask him if I can file a lawsuit."

Buffy looked around the room, scanning the place for any sign of Willow. Giles caught up to her, and gave her a pat on the back. "Well done! That was pretty damn quick! Now we can go back to my place and cozy up in front of the fire –"

"I didn't find them!" Buffy declared, still looking for Willow, and Giles did a double take.

"You mean… you didn't kill the vampire? Dammit! What the hell's wrong with you? I thought you said you could slay vampires!"

"Don't worry," Buffy reassured him. "I'll take care of it."

"I need to come with you, yes?" Giles asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Y'know… protect you with my overwhelming manliness." He puffed his chest out, but Buffy shook her head.

"Naw, I'm fine – give me a couple of Vicoden pills and I'll be good," she said, and then darted off in search of Willow and the vampire. She unknowingly passed by Jesse, who was talking to an attractive girl.

"Sorry, I didn't catch your name. What was it again?"

"I've told you fifteen times already!" the girl snapped (whaddaya know? Same girl from the prologue!), and made a face. "I'm Darla!"

"Are you from here?" Jesse asked, smiling at her.

"No," Darla admitted. "But I have family here; my second cousin's nephew's aunt's uncle, twice removed."

Jesse thought for a moment. "Oh! I think I know who you're talking about! Is he that guy that offered to sell me some designer drugs?"

Darla nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like him."

-Back Underground In That Creepy Cavern-

The vampire Luke crouched near the pool of blood, as though he were anticipating something. Suddenly the pool of blood began to boil, and smiled wickedly as a figure began to rise up out of the blood. Luke's smile grew wider as the figure rose up, up, and up until he was standing on the surface of the blood. He was bald and had his vamp face on, but his outfit made him seem more like Spock from _Star Trek. _He looked around, looking as dazed as a newborn lamb. A newborn lamb with the intent of killing everyone and bringing hell to earth, but a newborn lamb nevertheless.

"Master," Luke said, and took the other vampire's hand and kissed it tenderly. "I've been waiting so long for this moment…"

SLAP!

"Ow! What was that for?" Luke whimpered, holding his injured face.

"I'm _straight_, thank you very much," the Master snapped, and then took a step out of the pool of blood. "I am weak… that drunken rave party was a bad idea…"

"But come the Harvest," Luke told him, "You will be restored."

"The Harvest…" the Master echoed.

Luke nodded eagerly. "We're almost there… soon you will be free," he replied. Then, in spite of himself, he added a little _Mwa-ha-ha!_ at the end.

The Master rolled his eyes. He walked over to the edge of his cavern and put a hand out in front of him. Instantly the air seemed to jiggle and waver, preventing him from going any further. Luke let out a whistle.

"Whoa! How'd you do that?" he asked. He waved a hand in front where the Master had, but nothing happened. The Master chose to ignore him.

"I must be ready… I need my strength," he replied solemnly.

"I've sent out some of your servants to bring you some food," Luke said. "_Lots _of food, since you're such a pig and eat more than all of us vampires put together."

"Good, good…" the Master said, nodding. "You _did_ tell them that I wanted a Big Mac with extra pickles, easy on the mustard, and a Diet Coke, right?"

"Yes, Master."

"_Excellent."_

-We're With Willow And The Vampire Now!-

"It sure is dark," Willow remarked as the boy she had been talking to led her down the street.

He nodded. "Darkness is good. It allows more… opportunities, if you will." He winked at her, and Willow gulped.

"Uh, anyway…" she coughed nervously. "I still can't believe I've never seen you at school… wait, what the hell is your name, anyway?" The boy made a face, suddenly upset.

"I don't have a name, okay? I'm just an extra for this episode! Gawd! Just leave me alone, will ya?!" He stuck out his lower lip like a sulky child. Willow pursed her lips.

"Okay…" Suddenly he veered off course, heading off of the street. "Wait, where are you going? The ice cream bar's this way."

"Who said I was taking you out for ice cream?" he said, and Willow frowned. "Come on, I know a cooler place, where we can sink our teeth into something else." He took her hand and led her… to the graveyard. Dun, dun, dun!

-Finally, We're Back With Buffy-

Buffy was still looking for Willow and the guy she had left with, trying desperately to find them before the vampire realized her true sex. Just then, her body tensed unconsciously, and she hit the deck as a figure lunged at her.

_Crash!_

"Ack! My face! My beautiful, lovely, clean-shaven face!" Xander lay on the ground, twitching in pain as Buffy looked at him triumphantly.

"Nice try," she said. "By the way, have you seen Willow at all?"

"No," he admitted, staring at her chest. Buffy, oblivious to where he was looking, sighed.

"She… uh, he left with a guy, and –"

"Wait! Back up a second!" Xander sprang to his feet and clapped a hand over Buffy's mouth. "We're talking about _Willow_ here, right? The one who's got 'Virgin' stamped on her forehead! Are you su –"

"It doesn't matter!" Buffy snapped. "I need to find her… I mean, him!" She started to storm away when Xander called after her.

"I SURE HOPE HE'S NOT A VAMPIRE!" he yelled at the top of his voice, earning several curious looks from all around. "BECAUSE THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE TO _SLAY_ HIM OR SOMETHING! WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE?!"

Buffy was shocked. "Was… was there a school bulletin? Was it in the newspaper?" She turned, and, snatching a paper off of the ground, she saw that on the front page, the biggest headline read: 'BUFFY SUMMERS IS THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, EVERYONE!' "Is there anyone in this town that doesn't know I'm the Slayer? Jeez! _Everybody_ is stalker status on me!"

Xander shook his head. "I only know that you _think_ that you're the Slayer… I mean, well, you don't have a license plate or anything, so there's no way to prove –"

"That doesn't matter!" Buffy said, starting to freak out because she was running out of time. "Just tell me where Willow would go, and I won't punch you in the face!"

Xander stared at her in shock. "You're _serious,"_ he realized.

"No! Really? You sure?" Buffy asked sarcastically. "If we don't find her, I mean him, then there's gonna be one _pissed_ vampire in this town, if you know what I'm talking about."

"Eesh," Xander made a face as he pictured this in his imagination. "We'd better find them."

-Back With Willow-

Willow followed the vampire, growing steadily more nervous with each passing minute.

"Okay… this place really sucks ass," she remarked, looking around the graveyard. "Are you sure this place is cooler? And I'm still hungry."

The boy, ignoring her, pointed ahead to a crypt thing. "Hey. Have you ever been in one of these?" he asked, opening the creaky door.

Willow shook her head. "No," she replied. "Thank you for offering, but I think I'll just stay up here where I know it's safe. That place doesn't look sanitary enough to eat _anything_ in." The boy just laughed and brushed Willow's long red hair off of her shoulder.

"Come on," he whispered seductively. "What are you scared of? Death?"

"Scared is the wrong word," Willow said. "I'm frightened of it. The last thing I want to happen to me is to be poisoned with salmonella." Just then the boy seized a hold of her arms and swung her into the crypt, sending her flying across the room and into the wall. She hit the wall with a loud _crunch,_ and then slowly slid to the floor. The boy coughed nervously.

"Uh… sorry about that."

"You jackass!" Willow snarled. The boy loped into the crypt, grinning at her in a creepy manner. Willow backed up against the wall, and looked back at the boy, narrowing her eyes in disgust. "Hey! Stop staring at my chest, pervert!"

"Is that what you think I'm looking at?" the boy asked. Since he was, y'know, a _vampire_, he was actually staring at Willow's neck and not her bosom as she had thought. Giving an angry sigh, Willow turned and started to run out of the crypt when suddenly she saw that a girl (Darla) was standing in the entrance of the crypt, watching the scene with a smile. Willow jerked away as though Darla were on fire, backing up until she was at the rear of the crypt.

"Is this the best you could do?" Darla asked the boy, who was watching Willow with interest. "Seriously. I thought you said you were going to bring the best AB negative you could find._"_

"She's fresh," the boy insisted. "Minty fresh, like the way certain toothpastes make your mouth feel."

Willow's expression suddenly brightened. "Speaking of _fresh_, why don't we eat fresh and go to Subway?"

Darla scoffed, ignoring Willow's suggestion. "She's hardly enough to share."

The boy frowned. "Wait… we're supposed to share them? I thought we were bringing them to the Master."

"Shut up! It's part of my lines!" Darla snapped.

"Why didn't you bring your own ho, then?" The boy demanded.

"Oh, I _did._" She waited for her statement to be clarified, but nothing happened. Willow coughed lightly and checked her watch as the minutes passed. The boy snickered and looked at Darla, who scowled and ducked out of the crypt.

"Hey! Boy! Get your fat, lazy ass down here!" She pulled a figure into the crypt and hurled him against the wall (like the other boy had done to Willow), where he hit his head on a rock, dazing him temporarily. Willow gasped.

"What the f-?! Jesse!" she exclaimed, helping the poor boy sit up. He was holding his neck, which had two itty-bitty holes in it, and blood was seeping out the slightest bit. He groaned and looked at his hand, which was dotted with his own blood. He looked at Darla in disbelief.

"Hey, you whore! You bit me! The hell's wrong with you?" he growled. It was kind of a weak, pathetic growl due to his loss of blood. "I thought you said you _loved_ me!"

The boy looked at Darla, who was making an ick face at Jesse. "Oh, _geez._ _This_ is what you bring for the Master? At least I picked someone –"

"Shuttie!" Darla smacked the boy across the face, silencing him. "I had to bite him in order to shut him up. Needless to say, it didn't really work, but at least he stopped trying to make out with me."

Willow tried to help Jesse stand, but he had somehow gained fifty tons in the last few hours, and wouldn't budge. "Come _on,_ Jesse, you fat tub of lard, let's go to Subway!"

"Oh, you're not going anywhere," Darla said. "Except into our stomachs, that is – muy delicioso." She walked around and moved toward Willow and Jesse. Willow shot to her feet.

"Leave us alone, you ho!" she snapped.

Darla shook her head. "I _said_, you're not – aw, screw it. Here, this will make you wig out." She instantly made her face transform into its demonic visage, with the swelled forehead, the yellow eyes, and the elongated fangs. Willow let out a shriek.

"RUUUUUUUUUN!! VAMPIRE!! RUUUUUUUUUN!!" She ran around in little circles, waving her arms and screaming like a ninny. Luckily for her, the storyline saved her, because in that instant…

"Hey guys!" Buffy called out cheerily, loping into the crypt, Xander at her tail. Darla whirled around, her fangs halfway on Willow's neck. "How's it – _ohsweetbastardwhatthehellareyoudoing?!"_ she yelped, covering her face swiftly. "My virgin _eyes_!" Darla simply rolled her eyes in dismay.

"Who the bleep are you?" she snapped.

"Didn't you read the mother-flippin' newspaper?" Buffy asked. "Uh, I mean, there's actually somebody who _doesn't _know? Phew! That's a relief!"

"Buffy, can we get the hell out of here now?" Xander whimpered, starting to panic.

Darla and the other vampire circled Buffy, who was oblivious to them and was instead rambling on and on about how she was grateful that Darla didn't have a clue who she was.

"I mean, after I put those nude pictures of me on myspace and every – oh, wait. I almost forgot." She turned to the nameless vampire and said, "BTW, my BFF over there is actually a male, but IDK how it happened. It just makes me want to yell OMG!" she finished, and the vampire's jaw dropped.

"TMTH!" he gasped. Turning to Willow, he said in a hurt voice, "You said you were straight, you son of a bi—"

"I _am_ straight!" Willow protested. "FYI, I'm not a guy, I swear! Here, I'll show you my chest to prove it!" Before anyone could stop her, the redhead started to whip off her shirt.

"OH MY GAAAAAAWWD!" shrieked Buffy and Darla, shielding their eyes.

"Yeah! Take it off!" both Jesse and Xander cheered.

Luckily (or unluckily, whichever way you want to look at it), Willow merely flashed the occupants of the room (don't worry, she's wearing an undershirt), and then yanked her shirt back down. "There, you saw it! I proved it! I'm a _girl!_ G-U-R-L!" she huffed.

"_Ooh,_ I'm gonna kill you for lying' to me!" the nameless vampire snarled at Buffy, and charged at her. Before he could kill her, though, she pulled a stake out of nowhere and stabbed him in the heart. "Agh!" he gasped. "Right… in the… sternum!" He fell to the ground, collapsing into a pile of dust. Everyone stared at Buffy in horror.

"Violence is not the answer," Buffy said, wagging her finger and speaking in a Dr. Phil voice. "We just need to _communicate,_ and –"

"STFU!" Darla snapped. "I _hate_ that show! And besides, that poor boy didn't even have a _name,_ you soulless bitch!"

"Xander, go!" yelled Buffy. "Run, run, run, as fast as you can!" Xander instantly ran over and helped Willow get Jesse to his feet.

Darla growled deeply. "I'll be catching you, though, because you're _not_ the gingerbread man!" With that, she turned and backhanded Buffy across the face. Within seconds the two were at it like teenage girls, slapping each other and pulling each other's hair, screaming death threats.

Xander, Willow and Jesse all ran out of the crypt. Actually, it was more like Xander and Willow staggering along trying to drag Jesse's fat ass around since he somehow forgot how to operate his legs. "Why couldn't we just pick him up and carry him?" Willow huffed as they stumbled through the graveyard. "If he ate at Subway instead of Jack-in-the-Box and McDonald's, this wouldn't be happening!"

Back in the crypt, Darla fell in slow motion, hitting the ground with a satisfying _thunk._ Buffy stood over her, looking triumphant. "You know," she began, "I just wanted to start over, to be like everyone else… you know, to yell at my parents for ruining my life, maybe start a garage band or something, but nooooo, you had to come _here._ Seriously, what the hell's wrong with you?" she demanded. "California's like, one of the sunniest places in the world! And out of all the towns to choose from, you pick one called _Sunnydale?"_

"Who _are_ you?" demanded Darla, twitching in pain.

"Your worst nightmare," Buffy muttered, but then suddenly felt something grab her neck and lift her off of the ground. "Agh! Who the hell is that!?"

"_Your _worst nightmare," a deep voice that belonged to the vampire Luke said, and then threw her against the wall. He began strutting around, breakdancing and making little steam noises. "Oh! BURNED! How d'you like _that,_ bitch? Da na da na, da na da dun! Can't touch this!"

"Luke!" yelled Darla, picking herself off of the ground. "Where the hell were you three minutes ago when she was kicking my ass?"

"Silence, fool!" Luke snarled, and looked at Buffy, who was feebly trying to stand up. "What the hell have _you_ been doing, anyway? You were supposed to be bringing an offering to the Master so he'll stop whining about how hungry he is, and instead you fool around with this _child!"_

There was an awkward silence. "Er, when I say fool around, I mean _waste time," _Luke said, his face turning bright red.

"Say what you mean, then!" Darla snapped. "You had me confused there! Besides, she's no ordinary girl. She killed Thomas – wait, _that's _what the little bastard's name was? Dammit! Then I take back feeling sorry for him!"

"I've had enough of your complaining," Luke muttered. "Get out of my sight!" Darla, shaking her head in disappointment, ran out of the crypt. Luke sighed to himself. "Dude, seriously… WTF?" He moved over to Buffy, who had recovered just in the nick of time.

"You. Dying. Right now," she snarled dangerously, and then punched him as hard as she could in the stomach. Luckily for him, he had rock-hard abs, and was therefore protected from her pitiful swing. "_Ow! _Damn, boy! The hell are you made of?"

"Oh, you know," he said, shrugging. "Stainless steel, mixed with some – I mean, shut up!" He then backhanded her across the face, but she used the momentum to turn it into a roundhouse kick. He staggered back, shaking his head to clear it. "You're strong," he said, and then punched her in the face, knocking her down. "But not strong enough! Hahahahaha!" Just then she reached up and socked him in the mouth, knocking out about half of his teeth. "Er… you're not too bad…"

Meanwhile, out in the graveyard (damn, they're still there?), Willow and Xander were dragging Jesse across the ground, purposely going through muddy puddles and dog crap just to get on his nerves.

"Hey! What the _bleep_ are you doing?!" Jesse howled as his shirt gained yet another stain on it. "I got this shirt in the American Eagle clearance section! _The clearance section! _Sob!"

"Shaddup, will ya?" Willow yelled. "Nobody gives a damn about your clothes, okay? Just shut your mouth before you make things worse!" Just then, several vampires appeared out of nowhere, their minds focused on one thing: killing the teenagers. "See? Look what you did!" _Smack!_

"You're wasting my time," Luke said to Buffy as they circled each other. "Seriously. You're making me miss Numbers and everything, and I can_not_ let you get away with it!"

"Numbers? You watch that show, too?" Buffy squealed in delight. "Swoon, I just _love_ Charlie and his wicked cool math vision! You know, I even –"

_Wham!_ Luke shoved the heavy stone lid of the tomb at Buffy, who dodged it, and then performed a cartwheel over the coffin and kicked Luke in the face. Buffy then quickly grabbed her stake off of the ground, and started to go after him, but he grabbed a hold of it. "Did you really think you could stop me?" he asked, smirking at her. "Stop us?" He snapped the stake into a thousand pieces, and seized Buffy's shirt, pulling her close to his face. "Why don't you hit me with your best shot?" he sang, wiggling in a way that made him look like he was going into epileptic seizure.

Buffy gagged. "You really need some Tic Tacs or something…" Luke snarled and hurled her against the side of the tomb, causing her body to bend at an impossible angle. She let out a tiny moan of pain, but then managed to get back to her feet, seemingly unhurt. Luke's eyes bugged out of their sockets.

"Holy CRAP, girl! How the… that should've _killed_ you!" he spluttered. Buffy shrugged.

"Beats me. Of course, since I'm the main character in this show, then I must get the ability of quick healing so I can defend my friends." She frowned. "I guess I'm supposed to still be on the ground for the rest of this scene, so…" She flopped down onto the stone floor, letting out moans and groans of pain. Luke walked up to her, and began reciting something in a creepy, spooky voice.

"Aaaand they caaaalled him Saaaaaandyyyy Claaaaaawssssss!"

"Uh… what?" Buffy asked, and Luke gave a cough.

"I mean, like a plague of boils the race of man will fall," he said, leaning in close. Then he whispered, "Okay, we're gonna be having flashes of different people while I tell you this, so don't flip out or anything."

"Okay," Buffy nodded. Luke cleared his throat and continued.

"And in that time will come the Harvest…"

There was a scene of Giles back in the library, looking out the window with a pair of binoculars. Buffy wondered what he was looking at, and then suddenly she saw it, thanks to the magic of television. It was… a girl undressing. "Augh! I really didn't need to see that!" she yelped, shielding her eyes.

"And the Master shall rise…"

There was a shot of the Master, who was lying on his plush leather couch, playing 'Laid to Rest' on Guitar Hero 2 on his PS3. "Uh… wow. That actually looks like fun…" Buffy said to herself.

"And the world will belong to the Old Ones…" Suddenly the scene flashed to the Sunnydale Assisted Living home, where a young nurse was trying to help an old man eat his applesauce. "Argh! No, not those old ones, dang it!" Luke snapped. The scene flickered, and then went to the graveyard, where vampires surrounded Xander, Willow, and Jesse. Darla appeared behind them, a sadistic smile on her face.

"Damn, they're still in the graveyard?" Buffy shook her head. "Jeez, they're really –"

"I'm not _done_ yet, dammit!" Luke snapped. He glared at her. "And hell itself will come to town. It'll be handing out autographed pictures from noon to three, so buy yours today!" With that, Luke grabbed a hold of Buffy's shirt and swung her up and into the stone coffin.

Letting out a yelp of surprise, she turned and looked at the skeleton that was in the coffin with her. "Hey, buddy. How's it goin'?"

The skeleton shrugged. "Not too bad, actually."

Buffy started to get up out of the coffin when Luke jumped in, all ninja status, and landed on top of her. "WHOA! Getoffgetoffgetoff—"

"Hallelujah!" Luke rejoiced, staring at her with an unknown hunger. "This is my lucky day!" He leaned down, just about to rape her when suddenly the frame froze, and a "To be continued" sign flashed in the center of the screen. "Dammit! _So_ not fair!"

-End of Episode 1-


End file.
